


The Saddest Soulmate AU EVER

by Youkoartemis



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: (OUCH), (during the aforementioned suicide attempts), (especially the fourth ending), Alternate Universe, Child Neglect, I came up with it one day, M/M, Soulmates AU, Suicide Attempts, This is a "choose your own ending" story, This is the SADDEST soumates AU, Whichever ending you want to be canon, and if your choice changes?, and well, graphic depictions of suffering, it certainly breaks MY heart, it is canon, it's sad, major character death to occur during one of the future chapters, severe angst, that's fine, this story will probably break your heart and make you cry, whichever ending you now want to be canon IS now canon!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 08:01:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3970183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youkoartemis/pseuds/Youkoartemis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where soulmates meet each other in their dreams, starting on their third birthday and could hear each other in their heads forever after that, Ryan found himself alone; unnoticed. His soulmates couldn’t hear him. They couldn’t see him, or feel him, either; they had no idea that he existed. This is Ryan’s life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ending A: We Only Met Once (But I Love You)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story actually has four different endings, all of which I will be writing and posting at some point or another. This is Ending A: We Only Met Once (But I Love You).

**Warning:** **_Suicide attempts,_** _**graphic descriptions of suffering**_ (during the aforementioned suicide attempts), _**child neglect**_ , bullying, and _**severe angst**_. **This story will probably break your heart and make you cry.** Read at your own discretion.

* * *

 

Ryan was only three years old when he first saw his soulmate in his dreams (and he knew that the older boy _must_ be his soulmate - Mama had said so, and Mama didn’t tell lies). The boy had dark hair and lazy-looking blue eyes, but Ryan liked him instantly, and wanted to talk to him and just...to be near him. So Ryan ran over to him, happy and grinning as he called out to the other boy...

Only the boy didn’t seem to notice Ryan calling out to him. So Ryan walked around to the front of him and glared with all the righteous indignation a child can muster, his hands on his hips...

Except the boy didn't seem to _see_ Ryan, no matter what Ryan did. The boy couldn't seem to HEAR Ryan, either, since he didn’t so much as _twitch_ while Ryan yelled and jumped and waved his arms about.

Ryan reached out to touch the older boy, nearly in tears over all of this. He begged and pleaded for it all to be a joke...

His hand went right through the other boy, as though he were a ghost.

Ryan was DEVASTATED. Because wasn’t this boy supposed to be his _soulmate?_ Wasn’t he supposed to _love_ Ryan? Wasn’t he supposed to _help_ him and _take care of_ him? How could he do any of that if he couldn’t even tell Ryan existed?

Ryan wondered if maybe he wasn’t quite old enough? So he resigned himself to waiting, and hoped that maybe he'd be noticed one day. He hoped it was _soon,_ though, because he didn’t have very much patience, being three, and all.

After that first dream, he started hearing the other boy’s thoughts in his head, as part of the soulmate bond. He tried sending thoughts back...but the other boy never answered. Ryan didn’t stop trying, though.

* * *

 

Another boy joined the dreams a couple years later. This boy had ginger hair and warm, friendly eyes; just like with the first boy, Ryan instantly liked him and wanted to be near him. He noticed the boy turning to look towards Ryan and Geoff, and felt his heart race as the boy beamed brightly. Ryan’s cheeks heated up as that smile was turned in his direction; it was _breathtakingly_ beautiful.

He smiled in return, and rose from his seated position and started to wave and greet the other boy, but the newest addition ran straight to the eldest boy, and they embraced. It was at that moment that Ryan _finally_ learned their names: The eldest boy, with the dark hair and lazy eyes, his name was Geoff. The younger boy’s name was Jack. Ryan committed the names to memory, and then tried to introduce himself to Jack...

But Jack didn’t respond. Icy panic clawed at Ryan’s insides as he desperately tried to get the boy to notice him, but he never did; he was too busy chatting away with Geoff.

So Ryan sat back down, and cried.

He began hearing Jack’s thoughts in his head, too; Jack couldn’t hear him any more than Geoff could. So Ryan had to listen to them talk to each other, but remain unable to contribute.

It hurt.

* * *

 

The next soulmate entered the dreamscape a couple years later. He had dark reddish-brown hair and rounded features. Like Jack, he wore glasses. Ryan was instantly smitten, just like the previous two times. He hoped that maybe _this_ one would be able to see him (or at least _notice_ him; Ryan wasn’t picky! He just didn’t want to be _ignored -_ he got enough of _that_ from his parents).

But his latest soulmate - Michael - couldn’t see him either, and Ryan’s heart shattered a little further. He was only ten years old, and he’d already had his heart broken three times.

It was hard to keep hoping things would get better, but Ryan _had_ to believe. He _had_ to. If he didn’t, then...

* * *

 

Ryan was eleven when Gavin entered their dreamscape, all bright, boundless energy and enthusiasm. He was like an energetic puppy, and Ryan _adored_ him, just as he adored _all_ of his soulmates (and wow, he sure did have a lot of them, didn’t he?).

But Gavin didn’t take any notice of him either; and once again, Ryan had to watch as all of his soulmates celebrated their meeting each other while he was ignored and left alone. Like always.

He was always alone. No one noticed. No one cared.

* * *

 

Ray was the final soulmate. Ryan wasn’t sure how he knew, but he _knew._ He was twelve years old, and he _knew_ that this new boy, with his slightly darker skin and dark hair and eyes, was his very last chance to be noticed by at least _one_ of his soulmates.

And for a moment, Ryan thought that maybe, _maybe_ Ray had noticed him, because the boy had glanced in his direction for just a few moments, but... Ray made no mention of him, and he never looked over again, so Ryan...

Gave up. Clearly, he wasn’t meant for love. Five soulmates, and not a single one of them even knew he existed.

Ryan felt rather justifiably bitter.

* * *

 

His life wasn’t any better outside of his dreams, either; his parents never paid him any mind, too busy fighting with each other to care about the son they brought into the world. The constant sound backdrop of Ryan’s life was his parents screaming, shouting, crying, and throwing things at each other before one (or both) of them storm out of the house.

Whenever Ryan tried to approach one of them, they would shoo him off. They would tell him they were too tired to deal with him, so why didn’t he just go play somewhere else?

“Ryan, sweetie, why don’t you run off and play somewhere else, hmm? Mommy’s tired and needs her sleep.” His mother asked with a small, exhausted smile. Eight year old Ryan, who had just met his second soulmate in his dreams, nodded and went further into the house to play with his toys.

He figured he could ask his mommy about why he had two soulmates later.

By the time his mother wasn’t tired anymore, Ryan had long since forgotten that maybe he should ask about that. He was just happy to hear his soulmates’ voices in his head as they happily chatted to one another. Sure, they couldn’t seem to hear _him,_ but Ryan was long since used to people ignoring him; his parents did it all the time!

But as he grew older and the rest of his soulmates slowly joined the dreamscape, bringing parts of their own dreamscapes into the picture, Ryan began to wonder what was wrong with him. What was wrong with him, that none of his soulmates noticed he existed? What was wrong with him that caused his parents to barely tolerate him? Was he a ghost? Was he...was he not a good person? He just didn’t know, but there were no answers for him to find, and there was no escape from his demons.

Because waking or sleeping, life only compounded his issues; he was a ghost in both of his lives. An intruder. An outsider forever looking from the outside in, left out in the cold while everyone else was warm and comfortable and _happy._ Ryan wondered what happiness felt like.

* * *

 

Life at school was no better, especially after it came out that he had more than one soulmate. Apparently, that was _wrong,_ and _unnatural._ It was a source of ridicule, especially since none of his supposed “soulmates” would respond to him in any way.

They called him “ghostmate,” because he might as well be a ghost, for all the attention he was given by those most important to him. And that was one of the kinder “nicknames” bestowed upon him.

He tried to talk to the teachers about it, but they were always too busy, and told him to just deal with it, because surely it wasn’t as bad as all that?

(It was worse.)

* * *

 

For the longest time, Ryan had denied the fact that his soulmates couldn’t hear him, until it occurred to him that such a belief meant they were willfully ignoring him. So he became angry, and started shouting and screaming at them, trying to throw punches that just went right through them.

Acting out in his waking life only got him in trouble, and made his parents scream at each other even more; it just wasn’t worth the meager amounts of attention his parents spared him, so he gave up; anger solved nothing.

So Ryan turned to bargaining. Maybe if he just...waited a bit longer, maybe they’d notice him? Maybe they’d turn around and _look_ at him, and not just in his direction. Maybe... Maybe they’d even.... Maybe they’d even _love_ him, like how he loved them. (But was it actually _love?_ Ryan didn’t know for sure, but it _felt_ like how he imagined love felt, so surely it was close enough?)

Or maybe if he was good they’d pay attention to him. They’d notice how good he was, and love him. Maybe his parents would notice and love him, too! Maybe they’d stop fighting!

It didn’t work, and Ryan lapsed into depression.

Everything was pointless; nothing he did changed anything. This was just his life, now. His fate was to be ignored and overlooked, because clearly he just wasn’t important to anyone. Even the kids who’d bullied him so mercilessly started moving on and ignoring him, and while he’d hated them, at least it had been _attention._ But now he didn’t even have that.

He was alone, and he couldn’t even bring himself to really care about that, because why should he care about himself when no one else did? Besides - nothing really mattered. Not when it came to Ryan.

He stopped talking around that time. What was the point? No one cared what Ryan had to say. No one wanted to hear Ryan’s words. So why bother talking?

* * *

 

Ryan’s teenage years were awful. Sure, everyone had awkward times in their teenage years, but Ryan had no one to talk to about all of this. He felt all these weird things, and his soulmates made his body all tingly in these new and strange ways.

His voice was changing, and he was growing taller, and skinnier, until he was just. This tall, skinny weirdo. With acne. He looked in the mirror, and hated himself. He was too tall; too skinny; too _everything._ No wonder his soulmates didn’t notice him; he didn’t want to notice himself, either. Unfortunately, he had no choice about that.

It didn’t help that his soulmates were all slowly either entering puberty or exiting puberty, themselves; he got to watch as they all grew and changed to become even more beautiful. He got to watch as the ways they interacted started changing. They started touching each other differently. They started kissing, and stroking, and caressing, and...

He stopped watching at that point, cheeks burning and body tingling oddly. His pants were too tight, and shame, guilt, and self-loathing swirled in his gut. Those three emotions would become forever linked to sexual desire. Especially when Ryan began watching them have these intimate moments in his dreams.

Ryan hated himself, because watching people have sex and getting off to it was _creepy._ Especially when the ones being watched had no idea they were being watched, and yet... Ryan couldn’t stop himself; this was the closest he’d ever get to being with them, himself. (He’d long since given up on the idea that they’d ever notice him.)

He usually closed his eyes, and just _listened._ He fantasized that it wasn’t _his_ hand stroking along his shaft, but one of theirs. And when he started fingering himself, it wasn’t _his_ fingers, but _theirs_. The shame, guilt, and self-loathing burned within him, growing worse immediately after he came, toes curling and their names on the tip of his tongue, though he rarely let them fall past his lips, fearing that maybe they’d hear him (even if that would _never_ happen). Or maybe he just didn’t feel that he had any right to say their names, after all the things he’d done?

Sometimes Ryan would close his eyes and listen to them talk. He’d wrap himself up in their conversations, and pretend that they were including _him_ in them. He’d delude himself into believing that when they said “I love you” they meant _him_ as well. It was all he could do. He knew it wasn’t true, he _knew_ that they didn’t love him - they didn’t even know he _existed,_ and even if they _did,_ why the fuck would they ever love _Ryan?_ Not even _Ryan_ loved Ryan - but it was the only thing keeping him even slightly sane, so he clung to it.

* * *

 

Ryan gave up on life, some time in his late teens. He took a bunch of pills and swallowed them down, hoping that he’d just lay down and die in his sleep.

It didn’t work like that; he vomited the pills up and laid near the trashcan he’d vomited into, curled up in a tiny ball clutching his stomach, face twisted up in a rictus of pain and suffering. He laid there for hours, waiting vainly for death or at least an end to the pain. The pain eventually faded enough for him to get up and hide the evidence of his attempt, but it lingered for a long time afterward, taunting him for thinking he could escape so easily.

No one ever noticed that he’d even made the attempt.

* * *

 

A few months later, he tried hanging himself from his ceiling fan. Unfortunately, he got the length of the noose wrong, and instead of his neck snapping, he started slowly strangling to death. His hands clawed fruitlessly at the rope pulled taut around his throat as he choked and gagged soundlessly, flecks of spittle starting to froth at the corners of his mouth. His nails dug into his skin, and, unnoticed to him, his neck began to bleed. There were tears running down his cheeks, and snot running from his nose. His vision began fading out as strange patterns flashed before his eyes...

And then his parents came in, and found him like that. His father lifted him up, letting the noose loosen, and they cut him free. They rushed him to the hospital, and Ryan survived.

He was amazed that they’d even cared enough to do this for him; he wondered what drove them to check on him, when they never had before.

Turns out, it was because they’d heard the thump of the chair falling, and when Ryan hadn’t responded, they’d gone to check on what caused the noise, and found Ryan hanging, barely alive.

They stuck closer to him after that, and Ryan almost thought that maybe they cared about him after all.

* * *

 

They didn’t; it would just be _inconvenient_ for them if Ryan killed himself. Something about it being _shameful_. Ryan felt like a fool for ever considering that they might care about him.

So after that long pause where he’d tried to figure out if his parents cared or not, he made his third attempt on his life: He climbed to the roof of a two story building, and jumped off.

He landed flat on his back, and could _feel_ his bones shattering on impact...but he didn’t die. He just laid there in agony, wondering why he wasn’t dead. He was _supposed_ to be dead! He raged against whatever higher power was out there keeping him alive for their own sick, twisted enjoyment.

He was rushed to the hospital, and everyone treated him like glass following his third attempt. His parents berated him for worrying them (as if they’d _ever_ been worried about him), and he was shamed for his attempt. They all told him that “it will get better” and “suicide isn’t the answer”; as if any of them knew how he felt.

He’d waited for _seventeen damn years_ for it to get better! He’d waited _seventeen years_ for his soulmates to notice him, or for his parents to give a damn about him, or _anything!_ But nothing ever changed. Nothing ever got better.

But Ryan gave up on the idea of suicide; he’d failed three times, after all. It was as if someone was sending him a message. Probably mocking him for thinking that there was any chance of escape for him. So once more, Ryan gave up. He figured that, since there was no escape, the only option left to him was to continue forward.

So he did.

* * *

 

Ryan became an author, and moved out into a small cabin in the middle of nowhere, a while out from Austin. He wrote five books that went on to become very popular. They were the stories of five soulmates, who found each other in their dreams, and went on adventures together, slaying dragons, saving princesses (and sometimes princes, but not marrying any of them, because they had each other).

The books were full of drama, romance, intrigue, and action. They were _wildly_ popular. Ryan was surprised, since he’d only written them to put his own feelings regarding his soulmates down on paper (for each of the books was based on and written from the perspective of one of his soulmates, starting with Geoff).

He changed the names, of course, and made the elements of the story fantastical enough that there was little resemblance to the real world. But many of the elements of the land the heroes lived in were based on the shared dreamspace all of them adventured in, and most of their adventures were based on things he’d watched the others do in their dreams. But the core elements of their personalities and relationship to one another stayed much the same.

He never spoke a word out loud, and he never tried to project thoughts out through the bond, knowing that they’d never be noticed.

He very rarely did interviews with anyone, and those few he _did_ do were done entirely through email or letters.

* * *

 

One day, however, his agent convinced him to do a book signing down in Austin. She told him that he wouldn’t even need to say anything - he just needed to be there, to smile, shake hands, pose for pictures, and, of course, sign books. Ryan sighed, but agreed.

And that was how Ryan came to be sitting in an Austin bookstore, with a long line of people standing outside to meet with him. He was overwhelmed, but sort of happy that so many people apparently liked his series.

And then he met them. His soulmates. Apparently they were all fans of his series, as well. Sure, he’d known of that due to hearing them occasionally discuss his books through the bond, but to actually _see_ them there, in _real life_... He was stunned.

But a lifetime of practice in acting like everything was fine even as he fell apart on the inside kept him from bursting out into tears in front of them. And he shook their hands, and smiled at them, and accepted their smiles in return, happily signing their books and cherishing the short amount of time he had with all of them.

The rest of the signing was a blur to him, and when he returned home, he collapsed into bed and curled up, smiling widely as he hugged himself. This was the happiest day of his life; he’d gotten to see his soulmates in _person!_ He’d gotten to, well, not _talk_ to them, but he’d gotten to _interact_ with them! He’d- he’d gotten to _touch_ them! They were so warm, and their hands felt so _perfect_ in his own, and...

Ryan was happy. Even if he never got to see them ever again, he was _happy_. And that was enough for him.

* * *

 

Ryan wrote one final book after that, and it was _highly_ controversial. The reason for that is because it was all about _himself,_ only in the form of another character of the rest of the series. It was about himself, and all the heartbreak and sorrow he’d experienced in his thirty-four years of life.

It was about how this new character was the _sixth_ soulmate, but had never been noticed; a lost soul. It was about how much this lost soul loved his five amazing soulmates, even if they didn’t notice him. It was about how he got the chance to _meet_ his soulmates, just once.

And it was about how the character happily _died_ for them, to allow them to progress in their quest; he was just happy to have gotten the chance to meet them before he died.

The fanbase was _shocked_. This was a _wild_ divergence from the style and themes of the rest of the series. The more observant of them realized with some horror that the main protagonist of this part of the series was a very minor character from one of the previous books; it was a character almost everyone had overlooked, other than to remark on how sad it was for him to die in Gerard’s arms, saying only how he was happy to have died in service to such great heroes.

The fanbase was also massively divided in how they felt about this latest installment. Some of them hated it, and how it wasn’t happy, hopeful, or uplifting like the other five books.

Others were horrified, wondering how no one - not even the _heroes,_ the supposed _soulmates_ of the man - had noticed he even existed. No one had noticed that he was the heroes’ soulmate. This part of the fanbase wondered in horror if this happened to actual, _real life people,_ and realized that there was no way to know.

The final faction was made up of those who were like Ryan; lost souls, forced to watch as their soulmates loved others and paid no notice to them. They defended the novel to the grave and back, clutching desperately to this one piece of representation they had. This one piece of representation that showed them “you are not alone.” Many of these lost souls found each other as a result of the book, and were comforted by the fact that _they **weren’t** the only one._ That there were others just like them.

Ryan got a lot of letters about his series, and he read each and every one of them. He read the scathing criticisms, the rebukes, the praise for the other five books... and he read the heartfelt letters from the other lost souls who had read his story and thanked him for giving them the knowledge that they were not alone in their suffering. That they were not the _only_ ones living like that.

The letters always made Ryan smile softly to himself, glad that, even after all that he’d done and lived through, he’d managed to do something _good_ with his life.

And even if he never did get to see his soulmates in person ever again; even if he never got to be near them...

It was okay; Ryan was content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next ending will be a bit happier. Not sure when I'll write and/or post it up (because it's not written at all, atm), but... It'll probably be shorter than this one, since most of the background details are here, and I see no reason to totally repeat the first chapter except for the very end, y'know?
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all don't hate me TOO much (you'll hate me more later, I'm sure, especially after the fourth ending).


	2. Ending B: I am Happy to Be Anything You Need Me to Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending starts not too long after Ryan and his soulmates part ways at the book signing event; it’s maybe a day or two later, at most? A few hours later, at least.
> 
> Also, this ending is far happier than the first one, but it’s still somewhat sad. Read at your own discretion.

After parting ways with his soulmates at the book signing, Ryan never expected to see them ever again. And yet, here he was, getting lunch at a pleasant little cafe, and who walks in except his five soulmates. The five of them were chatting and joking with each other in loud, boisterous voices, interspersed with joy-filled laughter and long silences. The silences were filled inside of Ryan’s head (and theirs, he presumed), using the bond to share secret jokes and messages.

Ryan quickly tore his gaze away, so as not to be caught staring. He often stared at them in his dreams, but he knew better than to be caught staring in real life - they’d think he was a creeper, and they’d hate him. He didn’t think he could take it if they hated him (especially not when they’d been saying nice things about him in across the bond, as of late. Sure, it was all in regards to his writing, but...it still counted! Or at least it did to Ryan).

Then one of his soulmates caught sight of Ryan, and called their attention to him. Ryan hunched further into himself under the force of their attention, doing his best to hide himself behind his laptop. He usually preferred to do his writing by hand, because it felt more personal to him that way, but he worried about getting the papers lost or damaged if he did that in public. And he was grateful for past Ryan’s decision to bring the laptop to write with, because now he could try to hide behind it.

It didn’t work, of course, but it was still nice to have had the option to _try._

“Hey, uh, Ryan, right?” Geoff asked as the group came over, carrying their food with them. At Ryan’s shy nod, his soulmate continued, “You uh, you mind if we sit here? The rest of the place is full.”

A quick glance around, and sure enough, the restaurant had filled up without Ryan noticing. The author focused his attention back upon Geoff, and nodded once more, barely managing to keep his cool on the outside. On the inside, he was all but falling apart babbling in excitement and joy at having his soulmates such close in proximity.

“So, uh, we’ve never seen you here before. You come here often?” Jack asked, trying to include Ryan in the conversation (and _god_ did he love the man for that). He didn’t need to include Ryan - he wouldn’t have taken any offense at being left out and ignored while they talked. He was used to them all doing _exactly that,_ after all.

Ryan shrugged one shoulder, quickly glancing up at the bearded man (and he _really_ loved that beard, he just wanted to run his fingers through it, but knew he’d never get the chance) before glancing right back down. He stared blankly at the text document he’d had up for ages but hadn’t added anything to since he’d noticed his soulmates walk in the door.

Ryan wasn’t sure how to answer the man’s question, since he hated talking, and didn’t want to upset anyone by speaking up. But he _also_ didn’t want to upset anyone by _not_ answering, so...

“...No.” He answered quietly, voice hoarse and rusty from disuse. He very pointedly did not look at any of them as he answered. He could feel his cheeks burning as they all stared at him; even the bond was dead silent, and it was _never_ quiet! Or at least not _this_ quiet! Not at _this_ time of the day!

Ryan’s shoulders rose as he tried to hide away from their stares. It felt like they were burning holes in him with them.

“...You can talk?!” Gavin blurted out, sounding shocked.

The burning in Ryan’s cheeks intensified as he nodded.

“But the thing at the book signing said you were mute!” Ray added, sounding equally shocked.

Ryan wanted the earth to rise up and swallow him; he’d upset them, and now they’d hate him.

“...I...” He started, then cleared his throat to buy himself a little more time, “don’t like...talking...” He answered lamely, voice barely audible as he mumbled the words, staring down at the keys on his keyboard.

“Why not?” Jack asked, voice sympathetic.

Ryan remained silent for a long time, trying to puzzle out why they’d care. Sure, they were all amazing people, and they were so, so wonderful in every way (in Ryan’s opinion), but... Why would they care about _Ryan?_ **_No one_** cared about Ryan! Not even Ryan himself!

And yet, he couldn’t deny the _warmth_ that bloomed in his chest at their words. He managed to keep the smile from breaking out across his face, though; he figured it would confuse them too much if he smiled.

Ryan eventually just settled on shrugging; he couldn’t come up with anything better to respond with. It ashamed him, but he didn’t want to tell them that the reason he didn’t like talking was because he knew no one wanted to hear what he had to say.

His soulmates worked harder to draw him into conversations with them after that, though, as though they were trying to force him to talk to them. And Ryan responded to their attempts, albeit rather awkwardly and with great hesitance.

“So what’cha working on?” Michael asked at one point, nodding to Ryan’s laptop.

Ryan self-consciously pulled the laptop closer to himself, shoulders hunching up a little further. He opened his mouth to respond, before closing it again, reconsidering which words he was going to use. A couple moments later, he opened his mouth again.

“A new book.” He stated, keeping his response as short and to-the-point as possible; he didn’t want to waste words, or ramble on for too long. He didn’t want to bore them; he enjoyed getting to actually _talk_ to them for the first time in his life far too much to risk such a thing.

That got a bunch of interested sounds and intrigued chatter from his soulmates.

“Really? What’s it about? Or can you not tell us?” Geoff asked, perking up as a big, interested grin spread across his face.

Ryan couldn’t keep the redness from spreading across his face once more when he caught sight of it. He nodded, considering how to respond.

“I-” He cut himself off and started again, “It’s a new character.”

“But I thought there were only five soulmates?“ Jack asked, tilting his head to one side.

Ryan shifted uncomfortably after twitching at the words, and the sharp reminder that, even if they seemed to like him, he still wasn’t their soulmate, even if they were his.

“Yes...” He agreed uneasily, drawing out the word a bit.

“So this new guy _isn’t_ one of the soulmates?” Geoff asked for clarification, leaning closer.

“...Technically no.” Ryan answered, not wanting to lie.

“ _Technically?_ Either he is or he isn’t!” Ray exclaimed.

Ryan flinched, dropping his gaze. That had hurt. He couldn’t say anything in response, though: Technically Ray was right.

 _“Ray!”_ Jack admonished in a low tone, shooting the Puerto Rican a chastising look, “Don’t be rude!"

To his credit, Ray _did_ look regretful about his statement.

“Look, sorry man, I just got a bit frustrated at all the beating around the bush.” He apologized.

Ryan nodded to acknowledge that he’d heard the man’s words, but he was still shaken, and rather hurt.

“...It’s fine.” He stated after a short pause.

But the conversation sort of fell apart after that, Ryan too lost in his own thoughts and the others wrapped up in an argument they were holding in their heads, not realizing that Ryan could hear _everything_ (which hurt, but Ryan was used to it).

“...Sorry for upsetting you.” Ryan mumbled out, shame and self-loathing ripping through him. Because of _course_ he’d make them all fight with one another; he’d made his parents fight all the time, so why wouldn’t he have the same effect on his soulmates? (Stupid, _stupid_ Ryan.)

His soulmates hastened to assure him that “no, dude, it’s not your fault; we’re not upset, honest!” But Ryan didn’t believe them. Especially since he could hear them scolding each other for making it obvious that they were fighting.

Ryan saved his text document and started packing up his laptop.

“Hey, whoa! You don’t have to leave!” Geoff burst out, eyes widening.

Ryan shifted awkwardly.

“I should.” He stated softly, though he didn’t continue trying to pack up and leave.

That caused the other men to pause and frown thoughtfully as well.

“Yeah... We should probably get back to work, too.” One of them admitted reluctantly.

“But first, you got a cellphone?” Geoff asked, pinning him with an intense look.

Ryan paused, then nodded, doing his best to keep his hands steady as he pulled out his phone, unlocked it, and handed it over, trusting his eldest soulmate not to fuck him over. (Not that there was much TO fuck over, seeing as Ryan has almost nothing on his phone besides the bare-bones essentials).

Geoff plugged in his cell number, and the others all crowded around to add in their own numbers, as well, all while copying down Ryan’s number onto their own phones.

“We’ll call you to hang out sometime, yeah?” Geoff stated as he handed Ryan’s phone back.

Ryan nodded and flashed a quick, very small smile to the man as he accepted his phone back.

“Sure. Sounds great.” He was desperately looking forward to it, even if he was purposely keeping his face and tone neutral so they wouldn’t see just how desperately _lonely_ and starved for human contact and attention he was.

They parted ways then, the guys heading back to their jobs as Achievement Hunters and Ryan back to his tiny house an hour or two outside of Austin to do more writing.

As Ryan laid down in his bed, he finally let the massive grin spread across his face as he hugged himself and trembled in excitement like a puppy. His soulmates LIKED him! They really liked him! And they wanted to _hang out with him!_ They gave him their _numbers!_ He’d never imagined this happening in his wildest dreams (which was a bit awkward, actually, seeing as literally all of his dreams were shared with his soulmates, even if they had no idea he was there).

* * *

 

Ryan’s life improved significantly after that, because his soulmates wanted him around, and actually seemed to enjoy his company. They enjoyed talking to him, and started to semi-frequently call him over to hang out. And sure, it was an hour and a half to two hour drive each way, but he made the trip; they were well worth it.

They became his friends, and they wanted him in their lives. And sure, it wasn’t in quite the way that Ryan wanted them in his life, but he’d long since learned to take what little happiness he could get and hold onto it as tightly as he could. And having his soulmates in his life in _any_ kind of tangible way was something Ryan would happily _kill_ for.

Especially since it got so close to being an actual romantic relationship, sometimes, as they (especially the Lads) cuddled up next to him, or sprawled out across him. The way they _flirted_ with him sometimes... (Oh, he knew it was all pretend, but if he chose to pretend otherwise late at night in his bed? Well, they didn’t have to know.)

Sometimes they called him in to be a part of videos with them. In particular, they asked if he’d be willing to come on the RT Extra Life stream with them; he said yes, of course, and he had a great time, and made a lot of friends. He was glad that he’d started speaking more because of his soulmates; being on the stream - or on the occasional other video, as he was in the future - would’ve been incredibly awkward, otherwise.

Ryan loved his soulmates so, _so_ much, and he was so, _so_ happy they wanted him in their lives, regardless of the form.

* * *

 

Ryan finished the sixth book sometime after ending up as one of his soulmates’ friends. It was controversial, and caused quite a divide in opinion in his fanbase.

Because it was about a _sixth_ soulmate; a lost soul. One who met his soulmates once, by chance, and was amazed that they wanted him to stick around. And so he joined their little group on adventures, doing his best to support them in every way he could.

And while they still couldn’t hear his thoughts when he directed them towards them, and while they still had no idea he shared their dreams with them... He was content just being their friend.

Part of the fanbase was upset about the sudden shift in tone and material, but were somewhat appeased by the fact that the theme of hopefulness was still present.

Another group was horrified by the idea that someone could have a soulmate and _not even realize it._ They wondered how many people this sort of thing happened to.

A final group was delighted to finally have some kind of representation. They were _so, so happy_ to know that they weren’t alone in their suffering.They were also happy to know that there _was_ a chance that things would get better, even if they wouldn’t necessarily get exactly what they wanted.

Ryan got a number of letters and emails from his fans, and he read all of them, and sometimes even shared them with his soulmates, when they asked. The messages from fellow lost souls never failed to make Ryan smile; he was delighted to know that he’d done something to make peoples’ lives better, and happily shared the news with his friends, if they asked.

Ryan’s life was pretty good. He might not have everything he wanted, but he had his soulmates as constant presences in his life, and they actually _liked_ him. He didn’t think life could get any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next ending won't be posted up today. In fact, I don't know if I'm even gonna get started writing it today. But I have an outline for the plot in my head, and so it shouldn't take TOO terribly long, I don't think.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this part! =)


	3. Ending C: A Ghost Revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending starts the night after Ryan and his soulmates part ways at the book-signing event.
> 
> This is also the happiest of the endings, by far. I would go so far as to call this the HAPPIEST ending; certainly it's the closest to a proper happy ending, in my opinion. It’s still gonna have some sads in it, though, so read at your own discretion.

The night after the book signing, in his dreams, Ryan settled down in his usual spot, lounging in the branches of one of the trees around the clearing his soulmates built their shared dream house in. It was a lovely little three story wooden house, built of sturdy oak wood planks and accented with oak wood trunks and birch wood trunks and planks. There was a balcony on the third floor, and a bunch of roses had been planted around the clearing.

The tree Ryan sat in was right on the border between his unseen dreamscape (which was stunted and hemmed in due to inability to spread out like the others’ individual dreamscapes had). Technically the tree was on _his_ side of the invisible divide, and so Ryan didn’t feel _quite_ as much like he was intruding upon his soulmates’ dreams.

From his perch Ryan watched as his soulmates went about doing whatever it was they chose to do tonight. He wondered if they were going to go adventuring or just stay in.

Turns out they wanted to go adventuring, and Ryan slid down from the blackthorn tree he’d been sitting in to trail them from a distance. He didn’t bother to conceal his presence in any way - why would he? They couldn’t see him.

Except, as they looked around for potential enemies, Ray seemed to catch sight of Ryan and do a double take. The man stared with wide eyes in Ryan’s direction.

Ryan froze, eyes equally wide as he wondered whether or not the man actually saw him or not. His traitorous heart raced in his chest at the thought that maybe, just maybe, one of his soulmates had finally seen him. He tried to calm it - he was certain that there was just something behind him. Sure, Ray was staring directly at Ryan, but... That didn’t mean much.

Ryan looked behind him, but there was nothing there. He looked back over at Ray, who was still staring in Ryan’s direction in shock.

Ray reached behind himself to smack the nearest other person’s - Michael’s - arm, drawing his attention (and mild ire). He pointed soundlessly at Ryan with one shaking hand, directing the others’ (for Michael’s grumbling had drawn all of their attention to their youngest member) over toward Ryan.

They all followed Ray’s finger, and stopped dead when they saw what Ray was pointing at. They all looked stunned.

Shocked exclamations Ryan couldn’t quite make out from this distance rang out through the forest.

Michael suddenly started racing towards him, quickly followed by the others.

Ryan unfroze, and fled as fast as he could. Sure, he’d always wanted his soulmates’ attention, but now that he _had_ it, he was _terrified._

 _“Hey, wait!”_ One of them called out, soon echoed by the others.

Ryan didn’t wait - he was caught off guard and scared. He ran straight back to his own dreamscape, and darted up into one of the twisted, spindly trees that made up the forest of his dreams. The tree responded to his unspoken plea and arranged its branches around him in such a way that he was concealed from view.

His soulmates paused at the edge of Ryan’s dreamscape, right near the tree Ryan had taken refuge in.

“Where’d ‘e go?” Gavin asked, scratching his head.

“Where’d this _forest_ come from?” Jack asked, looking concerned.

“Huh, I dunno!” Geoff remarked, also scratching his head in confusion, “But it looks kinda ghostly, don’nit?”

“Huh, yeah, it does.” Michael agreed, crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his head to one side, a thoughtful frown on his face.

“That guy...he _was_ there, right? I wasn’t just imagining things?” Ray asked, seeking reassurance.

“No, he was definitely there.” Geoff confirmed, frowning, crossing his arms over his chest and shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“What if ‘e was a ghost?” Gavin asked.

“What, like Ghost Ray?” Michael asked, turning to his boi with an intrigued look.

“Yeah!” Gavin agreed, grinning, clearly delighted that his boi had caught on to what he was getting at.

“But he didn’t look like any of us!" Ray interjected, frowning.

“He also didn’t look like any of our tormentors, so he can’t be any of our internal demons.” Jack added, weighing in on the discussion.

“Hey... Didn’t he kinda...look a little bit like that author guy? Ryan?” Ray asked, shifting slightly, visibly discomforted.

Ryan was pleased to hear that one of his soulmates remembered him well enough to recognize him, even if he also felt terrified at having been recognized. _But wasn’t that what he had wanted?_ He couldn’t understand his own feelings; everything was changing so fast! He just- he couldn’t-

His soulmates’ gazes shot up to the tree Ryan was hiding in when he let out a tiny groan/whine of confusion laced with intense frustration and a bit of fear.

“Hey dude. You uh, you up there?“ Geoff asked, moving closer and trying unsuccessfully to peer up through the branches. “You wanna come down? Maybe visit a little?” He asked in a soft, coaxing manner, his tone warm and gentle.

Ryan wanted to climb down and interact with them, but he was too scared; he curled further in on himself, cursing himself for his weakness and indecision. He’d wanted this for _so long_ but was hiding away from it the moment he had it? What the fuck was wrong with him? He squeezed his eyes shut against the frustrated tears beading up in them, and clenched his teeth, digging his fingers into his legs, which he was hugging to his chest.

“No? You don’t? I guess that’s okay too; we can just wait here until you’re ready.” Geoff continued, sitting down on the ground.

The others all followed his lead, and they just sat in a loose circle near the tree Ryan was hiding in, and chatted amongst themselves.

Ryan hated himself for it, but he couldn’t muster up the nerve to climb down and face them.

* * *

 

When Ryan woke up, he was convinced that it had been just a one time thing, and he’d missed it. He berated himself mentally and audibly for it, smacking his forehead with his fists. He stopped and slumped after a minute or two - it wasn’t going to solve anything, so why bother?

Instead, he dragged himself out of bed, made breakfast, pulled out his writing tools, and set about writing his newest novel.

In his head, he heard his soulmates discussing what had happened in their dreams the previous night. They were wondering who Ryan was, and what he’d been doing there. They apparently looked up a picture of Ryan online, and realized that yes, in fact, it had been James Ryan Haywood who had appeared in their shared dreamspace.

They wondered what it meant, and discussed possible theories. One of which was that, since they loved the guy’s books so much, he’d started appearing in their dreams.

Ryan snorted mentally at that; as if.

They discussed other possible theories, including the thought that maybe, since they’d met him in person, he was appearing in their dreams.

 _It doesn’t work that way._ Ryan thought, somewhat mournful.

 _“Wait. Who said that?”_ Geoff asked suddenly across the bond.

 _“Who said what, Geoff?”_ Gavin asked in return.

Ryan felt icy fear creep through his veins to settle heavily in his gut.

 _Wait. Can you hear me?_ He asked, specifically sending it across the bond. He was filled with a mixture of terror and _hope,_ and it was sending so many butterflies through his stomach he thought he was going to throw up.

 _“Who said that? If it was one of you assholes playing a prank, I swear to god...”_ Geoff exclaimed.

There was a consensus of nos from all the others.

 _“Hey, uh, dude? Are you Ryan?”_ Ray asked uncertainly.

Ryan stopped. He sucked in a harsh, ragged breath through his nose. No. Fucking. Way.

 _...So... you_ can _hear me?_ Ryan thought back before he could stop himself.

 _“Holy fuck!“_ Michael exclaimed.

 _“How is this even_ possible? _”_ Jack wondered.

Ryan hunched in on himself as they began bombarding him with questions he didn’t know the answers to. He covered his ears with his hands in a futile attempt to block the questions out, but of course it didn’t work because the voices were _in his head._ He whimpered softly, overwhelmed.

He did his utmost best to start blocking them out, pulling as far away from the bond as he could.

* * *

 

It continued like that for a long time; he apparently kept getting clearer and clearer to them in their dreams, and his voice kept getting clearer in their minds across the bond. Ryan had no idea what was going on, and he was scared.

They refused to let him keep his silence, and kept _pestering_ him! He had no idea how to handle it, so he lashed out. He tried to force them all away, even as he wanted them all closer. He desperately wanted them in his life; he _desperately_ wanted them to know he existed, and that he was their soulmate. _So why did he keep running away from them?!_

He couldn’t understand himself. He wanted them close, but he also wanted them far, far away from him. He wanted them to love him, but he also wanted them to ignore him. He was confused, and scared, and most of all...

He was _hurt._

Why were they doing this to him _now?_ Where the fuck had they been all those years earlier when he’d so desperately needed them?! Where had they been when he was alone, and scared, and trying to _kill himself_ because he felt so unwanted? When he’d felt like so much of a burden that everyone would be better off with him dead?

Where had they been when he’d been bullied by everyone around him? Where had they been when he’d lost hope? WHERE HAD THEY BEEN?!

They’d been with each other. That’s where.

And _now_ they wanted him? _Now_ they were trying to draw him into their life? Well fuck that and fuck them!

(And fuck _him_ for still wanting that so desperately.)

* * *

 

“Ryan, please come out!” Jack pleaded, looking around for the man, who was currently hiding in a large, gnarled old blackthorn tree, well out of sight.

“Fuck off!” Ryan snapped back, losing his temper with all of their badgering and hounding him.

“But _why?”_ Gavin asked, sounding hurt.

Ryan felt guilt twist in his gut at the realization that he was causing his soulmates distress, but it was soon taken over by anger once more.

“Yeah! I mean, don’t you want to get to know us? You’re our _soulmate,_ right?” Ray added, looking lost.

“ _Am_ I, though?” Ryan shot back bitterly. “I’ve been waiting for _31 years_ for you assholes to notice that I existed! _Thirty-one. FUCKING. **YEARS!**_ And _now_ you notice me? _Now_ you want me around? Go fuck yourselves!”

That made them all flinch, and Ryan once again felt guilty about hurting them; this wasn’t what he wanted. Why couldn’t he just be _normal_ and let himself run into their arms? Why couldn’t he just accept that they wanted him? Why did he have to do all of this? But he just. He couldn’t, and he didn’t know why, which frustrated him greatly.

“We’re sorry, okay? We had no idea!” Geoff called out, “And I know, that’s super fucking shitty of us, and god, we feel so fucking bad about that, but we notice you _now!_ Isn’t that a good _start,_ at least?“

Ryan remained silent, hating himself for being so difficult and irrational. Why couldn’t he just accept it? Why?! _WHY?!_

“Can’t we just talk about this?” Jack pleaded, “Please, Ryan; just come down. We’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want, but _please_ \- just _talk_ to us first. _Please!”_

Ryan was torn, and gave no response. He watched as his soulmates’ shoulders slumped and they turned to leave. But before they could actually leave, Ryan finally uncurled himself and slid down from his perch to stand tense and alert at the base of it. He peered suspiciously out at them, features drawn and pinched into a standoffish and most decidedly unfriendly glower.

He shifted so that he stood tall and defiant under their surprised stares. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared them down.

“Okay.” He stated. “Talk.”

And they did. They pleaded their case, and explained their side, and how they were so, _so_ sorry that they’d never noticed him before, but they noticed him _now,_ and they wanted to get to know him properly. They repeated that they would leave him alone after this, if that’s what he wanted, but they appreciated the fact that he was willing to let them speak to him first.

Finally, Ryan’s anger and hurt softened enough for him to let down his guard a little. His expression wavered from it’s hard, unapproachable look to something far more vulnerable. His arms uncrossed slightly, shifting to look more like he was holding himself. He finally looked like the scared, hurt little boy he actually was.

“How can I trust you?” He asked softly, tone regretful. “You could change your minds.”

“We would _never-”_ One of them started, only to be cut off as Ryan shook his head, looking down.

“So you _say,_ but how can I _trust_ that?” Ryan repeated, changing the phrasing slightly in an attempt to make his point clearer. “Everyone leaves. Why not you?”

His soulmates looked deeply saddened at that. They also appeared to be at a loss for words.

“Ryan... I know you feel you can’t trust us, and I think I understand, at least a little - you’ve been abandoned, a lot. You haven’t had a very good life, have you? And now to have your soulmates notice you after so long.... You think it’s too good to be true.” Geoff started, voice soft, gentle, and filled with so much _compassion._

“And I get it - trusting people is fucking hard, especially when you’ve been hurt a bunch, like you have. But Ryan, you’ve known us for _years -_ don’t you know what we’re like? We wouldn’t do that to you, even if you _weren’t_ our soulmate.” Geoff continued, hastening to add: “But you _are_ our soulmate, and haven’t these past few weeks shown that we’re not gonna abandon you just ‘cause you’re not all sunshine and rainbows?”

“Yeah! I mean, fuck, we keep _Gavin_ around, right? And he’s a total piece of shit; don’t get me wrong, we love ‘im to fucking pieces, but he’s a _real_ piece of shit.” Michael added, wrapping an arm around Gavin’s neck and giving the protesting Brit a noogie.

“We’re _all_ pieces of shit and just plain _awful_ people.” Ray agreed, half-joking, “Honestly, we should be worried about _you_ changing _your_ mind about wanting to be with _us!"_

All of this brought a brief flicker of a smile to Ryan’s face before the uncertain look returned. His head was still turned slightly away from the others.

Geoff nodded and smiled warmly at Ryan.

“They’re right, you know; we’re not gonna turn our backs on you just ‘cause you’re a bit prickly; hell, if _anyone’s_ got a right to be bitter and resentful, it’s you! But we’re not just gonna give up on you - not unless you _really_ want us to, and I got a hunch that that’s not actually what you want, is it?” He reasoned, before holding out his hand.

“So c’mon: Just give us a chance. Just one.” He coaxed, silently begging Ryan to trust him.

Ryan hesitated, and briefly took a small step _away_ from all of them, but he didn’t fully turn away. He struggled with himself, but in the end...

He did what he’d wanted to do since he’d first seen Geoff in his dreams when he was three: He reached out and touched him, taking his hand.

He marveled silently at how perfectly the man’s tattooed hand fit in his, allowing his eldest soulmate to pull him closer and into a tight, warm hug. Ryan’s chin rested on Geoff’s shoulder, his face turned towards the older man’s neck, hiding the tears that were beginning to well up. He let out a soft, watery breath, and Geoff rubbed his back soothingly.

“There, there buddy - just let it all out.” Geoff murmured soothingly, and Ryan pressed his face into the crook of the man’s neck and shook apart, finally allowing himself to accept that this was real, and that maybe his soulmates really _did_ want him. He felt distantly as the others all crowded around him and Geoff to offer him what comfort they could, and Ryan adored them for it, even if he was in no state to show his appreciation.

After a few minutes, Ryan stopped shaking and calmed. Geoff tightened his hold before slowly pulling away, leaving one hand resting on Ryan’s shoulder.

“C’mon Ryan; let’s go home.” He stated softly, beginning to lead them all away.

And Ryan? Ryan followed.

* * *

 

He didn’t move in with them instantly after that - he kept his own house in real life for a while after that. However he _did_ make the hour-and-a-half drive down into Austin to see them quite frequently in that time. And in his dreams, he _did_ live with them, curled up in their gigantic, amazingly soft bed, surrounded by and cuddled between all of his soulmates; it felt amazing.

Eventually, a couple months after Ryan finally accepted their overtures, he sold his house and moved in with all of them into their much larger house in Austin. He didn’t have very much stuff, so it didn’t take very long. (And most of what he _did_ have was stuff that his soulmates had gotten for him as gifts, which he found excessive and unnecessary, but very nice.)

He didn’t go to work with them, instead staying behind in their house while they worked. At first, it was a bit nerve-wracking, being in that large, spacious home that they had all made together; it didn’t quite feel like _his_ home, yet. The quiet that settled over everything after his soulmates left for work was heavy and stifling without their laughter and liveliness to break it up; it made him a bit nervous.

Being able to hear and converse with them in his head helped a lot, though: They often checked up on him, just to make sure he was still doing okay and didn’t need anything. Their concern was touching, if a bit overwhelming, sometimes.

Once Ryan had fully settled in, however, the hours of peace and quiet without all of his loud, wonderful, lively boys running amok were greatly appreciated by him; they became prime writing time. Time for him to just lay back, brew a cup of tea, pull on his glasses, and write down all the words swimming around in his brain. Sure, he was sometimes (read: often) interrupted by the others cracking jokes or asking questions across the bond, but he didn’t mind terribly much.

Ryan felt that life was just about perfect: His soulmates knew he existed, and that he was their soulmate, and they actually wanted him around! They _loved_ him! It was everything Ryan had ever wanted, only even better than he’d imagined, because it was _real._ Ryan didn’t think that life could get any better.

* * *

 

He wrote a sixth book, some time after getting together with all of his soulmates. It was radically different than his first five books, and caused a split in his fanbase.

It was about a lost soul who found his soulmates, and they found _him,_ in return. And not only that, but they actually _wanted_ and _accepted_ him; they _loved_ him. And so he joined them on their adventures, and all of them lived (and adventured) happily ever after. Sure, there were many fights, and sure, the newly discovered addition had some issues to work through, but they got through it all, their relationship growing stronger than ever. It was a perfect happy ending, Ryan thought.

And sure, some of his fans disliked the latest book due to how _dark_ and _sad_ it was at the start, but many of them were pleased that it ended so happily.

Another group was shocked and dismayed that it might be possible to have an additional soulmate and not know about it. They wondered whether that happened to real life people, and if so, how many people it had happened to.

The final group was delighted to have representation for their suffering, and to finally have a character they could identify with. The character also gave many of them hope that, if they were to meet their soulmates, maybe they could connect to them, too. And in many cases, this turned out to be true.

Ryan received many letters from that final group, many of whom had found their soulmates and were very, _very_ happy, now, when they’d never thought that they could have such happiness. These stories always brought a smile to Ryan’s face, and he’d share them with his soulmates, if they asked; his soulmates thought they were wonderful, too, and they were _so fucking proud_ of Ryan.

Life was great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'm gonna get around to writing out the final ending today; maybe tomorrow. Also? The next ending's a BITCH; it is the SADDEST of the endings, by far, so you might want to prepare yourselves.


	4. Ending D: There is No Light, No Joy, and No Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending starts a few months to a year after Ryan’s third suicide attempt. He’s about 21-ish.
> 
> Also? This ending is entirely vexruadash's fault. I was talking to them about the sad soulmates AU idea, and they told me to add more angst. This is the result. This is what happens when someone enables me. To be exact, they told me “I love it I want it super sad.” THIS *motions to fic* is why you don’t feed the angst-monger.

**Warnings:** This ending is the _**saddest**_ ending, by a landslide. There is no happiness to be found in this ending. It contains **suicide and major character death.** It also contains **super heavy extreme angst.** If that’s not your jam, then don’t read this ending!

* * *

 

 

Ryan had tried. He had really, _really_ tried. But he just couldn’t; he couldn’t live with no hope of things getting better. Because how _could_ they get better? His soulmates had no idea he existed, and he was just a burden on everyone else in his life.

What was he living for? Some misguided belief that things _might_ get better? There was no getting better! Maybe if there were people who specialized in helping people like him, but there weren’t any - Ryan had checked. Apparently, the whole world expected you to rely on your soulmates for all the love, support, and psychological help you might need.

Which was all well and good - _if you had soulmates who knew you existed._ Which Ryan _didn’t!_ So what the fuck was Ryan supposed to do?! He was supposed to just _grin and bear it,_ apparently! Well fuck that! He couldn’t- he wasn’t _strong enough_ to do that! And maybe that made him selfish, but hell - he was _already_ a burden on everyone who supposedly loved him! What was a little more selfishness?

So Ryan made his fourth attempt on his life, and jumped off a suspended bridge. As he fell, he recalled something he’d seen once: Apparently, everyone who had ever survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge realized halfway through their fall that all of their problems could be solved, and suicide really _wasn’t_ the answer. Well, that didn’t happen to Ryan.

As he fell, he had no regrets, other than that, according to religion, he was probably gonna end up in hell after this. Well, it probably couldn’t be _that_ much worse than the emotional hell he was currently trapped in, so Ryan fell, and he died upon impact with the water.

All he felt as it went black was a sharp instant of agony, and then nothing; it was a relief, really.

* * *

 

At the instant of Ryan’s death, every single one of his soulmates immediately stopped whatever they had been doing and froze as the stabbing, burning-hot-cold sensation of a soulmate dying tore through their hearts and souls. They called out desperately to one another across the bond, panic coursing through their veins like ice water and freezing them from within.

Every single one of them answered back, so they wondered why they suddenly felt so _hollow_ and incomplete? They wondered why they’d all felt like one of their soulmates had died, when they were all still there? They couldn’t understand; they didn’t _want_ to understand, because if what they were beginning to realize was _true,_ then...

Either a new soulmate had just been born, and then died in childbirth (which would make no sense, since soulmates were usually born within 10-12 years of each other, tops), or...

Or there had been a _sixth_ soulmate that not a single one of them had noticed until just as they died.

* * *

 

That night, in their shared dreamscape, they began searching around, hoping against hope that what they suspected wasn’t true. They were looking for anything that seemed out of place in their shared dreamscape; anything that _hadn’t been there before._

Their prayers went unheeded as they found a forest none of them had seen before not too far south of their main hub. It was a dark, dense forest composed of what appeared to be blackthorn trees - or were they hawthorn? It was hard to tell when they had no leaves.

On top of being visibly dead and leafless, the trees were all stunted and twisted, as though they’d tried to spread out, but hadn’t been able to. All of the trees appeared to have also been strangled by thick, equally-dead vines; it was a very sad sight, especially since a person’s dreamscape was a representation of their mind. The state of what was left of their deceased soulmate’s dreamscape did _not_ say good things about his or her mental state upon death.

Normally a person’s dreamscape would spread and mix with that of their soulmate’s (or those of their soulmates, if there were more than one soulmate), but if a soulmate was left excluded from the minds of their soulmates, apparently their mindscape did _not_ spread out. Apparently, it just stuck in place, stagnating and slowly rotting away as it twisted in on and around itself in what little space it was allotted.

The five men steeled themselves, and stepped into the dead forest. They made sure to hold hands so as not to get separated in all of this dense, prickly woodland.

As they pushed through, they ended up getting scratched up by all of the wickedly sharp thorns growing from the trees and vines, or tripping over roots or low-hanging vines. There was no sound being made in the forest, other than that generated by the five soulmates tromping through the thick piles of fallen, decaying foliage on the ground; it was as silent as a tomb. Rather fitting, considering the owner of the dreamscape was dead.

Ray let out a soft, slightly hysterical chuckle at that piece of dark humor. Sadly, none of the others found it as morbidly amusing as he had, and they shot him dirty looks for it.

They continued further, and came across a tiny, dimly glowing fragment of light. Gavin reached for it, and they all found themselves sucked into a memory the moment his fingers brushed it.

* * *

 

_“This is **your** fault!” A woman’s voice screamed, livid with fury.  
_

_**“My** fault?! **You’re** the one who got pregnant!” A man’s voice shouted back, equally furious._

_“And who the fuck **put** that baby in me, Leonard?!” The woman demanded shrilly._

_“It wasn’t **my** choice, Sharon!” The man denied vehemently.  
_

_“Well it wasn’t **mine,** either! But we’re **stuck** with him, and it’s **your** fault he’s turned out like this!” The woman accused once more.  
_

_“You can’t blame **me** for him trying to- to **kill** himself!” The man raged back, stuttering in his anger.  
_

_“I can when he probably tried out of shame at having a deadbeat father like **you!** ” Sharon screeched. Despite the door and wall between them and the arguing couple, they could almost imagine a woman’s long, thin, red-nailed hand pointing accusingly at her husband.  
_

_“Fuck you, Sharon! I was the one who fucking saved his life and cut him down from there! You were just standing there **screaming,** like you always are!” Leonard shouted back. There was the sound of two pairs of stomping feet receding into the distance.  
_

The scene dissolved into dark nothingness as their lost soulmate apparently closed his eyes and tuned the argument out. The emotions attached to the scene were exhaustion and resignation, as though such arguments were nothing new. What also struck the five observers was the miasma of _hopelessness_ and _misery_ hanging over everything in the memory.

They continued on in silence, beginning to realize some of why the dreamscape was as dark and twisted as it was. They came across another memory, and reached out.

This time, it was a scene from school, where their lost soulmate was ignored by the teachers and mocked by his classmates for not only having multiple soulmates, but having multiple _male_ soulmates.

It reminded Geoff painfully of his own schooling experience, where the kids had told him much the same:

_“Faggot.”_

_“You can’t love that many people at once!”_

_“Having that many soulmates is just being **greedy.** ”_

It got worse when it came out that none of his soulmates even knew he existed.

_“What do you **mean** they don’t know you exist? **All** soulmates know their other half exists! Are you sure you’re really seeing your soulmates?”  
_

_“You mean you’re so awful not even your **soulmates** want you?”_

_“I guess they all know what a bad person you are.”_

_“Ghostmate.”_

_“Loser.”_

_“Pathetic.”_

_“Y’know, if they don’t know you exist, then you’re just gonna mess up their lives if you find ‘em.”_

_“Homewrecker.”  
_

_“I bet you don’t actually have any soulmates at all!”_

_“Liar.”_

It never got any better, especially when those meant to be protecting him told him to just ignore them, or that it “wasn’t that bad.” It didn’t help that his parents continued to ignore him or shoo him away whenever he sought comfort from them. Eventually he learned not to even bother trying; it was pointless. Just like everything else.

* * *

 

The five observers eventually came across a much brighter memory clustered with four others similar to it in luminosity. They were still dim, but they were brighter than any of the other memory fragments they’d seen.

They reached out to one of them, and saw Geoff, standing in his own dreamscape. Geoff looked to be about 6 or 7 years old. They all could feel how much happiness was attached to the memory, but that joy was quickly crushed under heartbreak and despair as Geoff failed to take any notice of Ryan (as they learned their soulmate’s name was, or rather, _had been,_ seeing as he was dead now).

As they left that memory, the heartache lingered, nearly breaking their _own_ hearts with its intensity.

“...Shit. I never noticed.” Geoff said softly, mentally cursing himself.

Jack patted him on the arm, equally upset.

“None of us did.” Michael pointed out, voice far quieter than usual.

“We’re pretty shitty soulmates.” Ray added, equally somber.

They viewed the other four memories, and saw Ryan’s perspective of meeting all of them. They also felt how absolutely _crushed_ Ryan had been with each successive disappointment. They felt how _hollow_ he had felt, how _empty_ he’d felt...

They felt his despair, his hopelessness, and his vain, hurt-filled rage directed at the world and everything in it. They felt his helpless, bitter jealousy at seeing all the happy couples everywhere, at seeing _his own soulmates_ all together and happy - _without him._

They felt Ryan’s shame, guilt, and self-loathing as he’d pleasured himself to thoughts of them. They felt Ryan’s conflicted, bitter feelings towards them: A mixture of helpless, obsessively-devoted love and bitter resentment bordering on flat-out _hatred_.

They experienced his agony and despair after the first attempt on his own life, followed by the tiny, hesitant _hope_ that blossomed after his parents saved him following his second attempt. They felt the crushing _despair_ and _self-loathing_ that followed after he realized his parents didn’t care at all. They heard him cursing himself for being foolish enough to believe for even a _second_ that they cared one bit about him when he knew damn well that they never had.

They felt his agonized despair at failing for a _third_ time, and heard him raging against whatever higher power had refused to let him just _die._

_“What are you keeping me alive for?! What **purpose** do I serve?! Am I just here for your sick **amusement?!** Am I here for you to **laugh** at?! **WELL?!?! AM I?!?!??!? FUCK YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE! FUCK!! YOU!!!”** After that, he broke down, letting out loud, heaving sobs and collapsing against the mattress beneath him. He wished he was dead. Why wasn’t he dead?! It wasn’t fair! It just wasn’t fair._

They witnessed his last truly clear memory, watching as he climbed up as high as he could on the bridge, and jumped. They watched the view spin around dizzyingly quickly before focusing on the bright blue sky above him, and the bridge getting further and further up. They could feel how utterly _at peace_ he’d felt as he fell to his death, followed by an instant of intense pain before everything suddenly cut off.

They’d witnessed his death.

* * *

 

Geoff, Jack, Michael, Gavin, and Ray felt like the shittiest people in existence. They’d all had another soulmate and never realized it, not even _once!_ Not _once_ had they _ever_ realized that Ryan had existed until the moment the man had _ceased to exist,_ and they didn’t know if they’d ever be able to forgive themselves for that.

The guilt haunted them for the rest of their lives, and so did the feeling that something was _missing._ Because something _was_ missing, or rather, some _one_ was missing - Ryan. Ryan, who they’d never gotten to meet. Ryan, who they’d only realized existed after he’d _stopped_ existing. 

Ryan, their lost soulmate, who they’d never get to meet, even after death; they all went to a different place than he did. (Turns out Hell was just more of the same shit Ryan had gone through while still alive. Go figure.)

* * *

 

Because he died, Ryan never became an author. He never wrote the popular book series that he would have had he lived, and he never wrote that sixth book that would have been so controversial. As a result, other lost souls like himself never got that vital piece of representation that would’ve meant so much to them, and thus continued to feel as though they were abominations of nature being punished for something beyond their control.

They never realized that there were others like themselves, and none of them ever connected with one another. Many of them unknowingly followed Ryan - the man whose written words could have saved them, had he, himself been saved - into committing suicide, never realizing what might have been.

There was just no light, joy, or hope to be found anywhere.

And that was their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the end of this particular AU! I might write other sad soulmates AUs later, and turn them into a series with this one; I'd probably title the series "The Saddest Soulmate AUs," or something. I hope this holds up to the hype I was giving it, 'cause I still don't feel like it's sad enough, but I also can't think of any ways to really change it. =/
> 
> Additionally: The plants in Ryan’s dreamscape are actually symbolic for him, the trees especially.
> 
> Blackthorn is an omen for upcoming challenges and hardship, with promises of good things if one can push through the obstacles to get there. Which is pretty accurate for Ryan: His life could be seen as a large number of obstacles, and if he’d managed to push through them, good things would have come to him, as seen in the other endings.
> 
> Blackthorn also shows that sometimes the sweetest and best fruits come after a whole lot of hard times, because blackthorn berries are sweetest and most succulent after a particularly hard frost.
> 
> Additionally, blackthorn is about cherishing what you already have, which Ryan showed in the first two endings, when he was happy with whatever he got, and cherished all the little things.
> 
> But Ryan’s trees were stunted and twisted, showing that he wasn’t getting any sort of reprieve from the hard “winter” he was going through, and that he was failing to face up to and overcome the challenges in his life.
> 
> Vine, on the other hand, is about growing where you’re planted and going with the flow, while also taking every opportunity to assure your growth that you can get. The thorns of the blackberry vine (which is what the vines in Ryan’s dreamscape would have been, had they not been dead) symbolize the need to protect yourself when necessary.
> 
> The fact that the vines were choking the trees was symbolism that Ryan’s mind was turning in on itself and just really, really unhealthy. Pretty obvious symbolism.


End file.
